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New York Prepares for Bill's Big Day
Monday August 17, 1998.

Jackie Mason &
Raoul Felder

All over New York, people are getting ready for the president's testimony.

Irving, the dry cleaner just west of Rivengton Street is giving lectures on stains in dresses to his niece Tiffany. "Didn't you use to save your corsage after a big date? What's the difference here? I've been taking out these kinds of stains since before you were born. Most of the time its nothing. Just a little schmeer."

Down the street, Talmudic scholars were debating whether it is the same thing if you tell someone not to tell the truth as it it to tell someone to lie. There was disagreement on that one, but there was complete unanimity that Monica Lewinsky is not Jewish, for two reasons. First, she'd better not be and second no Jewish girl would come across without dinner in a nice restaurant at the very least.

At City Hall a member of the Democratic National Committee is pleading with a Mayor Giuliani to leave at least one sex shop open because Clinton may need a home for his presidential library in Manhattan.

At the National Arts Club, a fierce discussion rages over whether Clinton should be put on Mount Rushmore and particularly which part of his anatomy should be depicted. Some fear that Monica's grandmother will make a scene while carving is going on, screaming up from the base of the mountain, "It should only fall off."

At the Animal Hospital, veterinarians are puzzling over the fact that Clinton's dog was neutered and Clinton remained intact. If the reverse had occurred, the course of history might have been altered and the dog might have become president.

On Wall Street, leading analysts are working on a theory that the stock market rises when Clinton does not, and when he rises, the stock market immediately goes down. They hire a photo analyst to study each day's early photographs of the president, zeroing in on his trousers. Word will be immediately flashed to stockbrokers around the world. People are buying and selling like mad based on the "bludge" theory.

On Seventh Avenue, two partners in a failing dressmaking company devise a surefire winner for the next season: a guaranteed semen-proof blue dress. After two days of nonstop testing, the partners lay comatose, surrounded by empty bottles of Viagra.

Deep in the bowels of an office building on lower Fifth Avenue is the secret headquarters of The Pundit Exchange. This little known organization was created to facilitate and monopolize the placement of legal pundits for television appearances. Far into the night the furious budding continues.

"I've give you one Lenny Davis for two Michael Isikoffs."

"Will you take Ed Rollins for Dee Dee Meyers if I throw in David Gerben?"

Meanwhile, back at the Oval Office, they're installing a revolving door. The original plan was for each girl to take a number and wait her turn. The president vetoed this idea. He felt it would cheapen the office of the presidency.